Nice

First time conducting live run. (i can never figure out whether it is live or life run.) Anyway, it didn't go as smoothly as i thought it would, but thank goodness no one pinpointed out the mistakes.

It doesn't help having our 20SA CO and S3, 21SA CO and S3, and all the PSOs and COs of my unit, all come down to run with us on my first time conducting it. Firstly, it has to be formal, unlike those casual runs we always have, without any proper conducting brief and stuff. Secondly, I can't afford to delay or screw it up, if not, i'll be screwing myself up. So, just as I brought out the tables to set up the water point, the first person I had to see was the CO of 21 and 20SA. Good luck. Nothing set up yet and he's come in. Before I know it, people start coming down, and all the senior officers started to chit chat, while I sweat it out preparing for everything. Then the safety rover driver had to mistake the live run date as tml, so he wasn't present there. Luckily we called him and asked him to fly down immediately.

Thank goodness I had the help of my fellow junior officers who taught me what I should do first. So we conducted the warm-up first, while the guys go collect ice, and the marshallers deploy themselves there, and the safety rover makes it way here. Luckily nothing major screwed up, except that the safety rover wasn't here yet. But with the permission of the supervising officer, we kicked off the run. Then the safety rover came shortly after that.

Then the run ended quickly, and we started doing cool down. Then my CO has to come over to check my life run files, and asked if i've read through them thoroughly. I thought he was going to ask me some questions that will choke my throat, but he just gave me some pointers on what to do next time.
Live run ended there.

I'm really glad that there are still nice people around who are willing to exchange duties with me even when the whole unit is taking off. I was really touched. He didn't have to do it, because he disrupted and came back, so he only needed to do ONE weekday. But he was nice to exchange with my FRIDAY, because he saw that i was going to die if i had to do that long weekend duty.

Nice.

last birthday

"Last" always sounds sad, because it signifies the end of something. It also implies the beginning of something, and "beginning" is always full of uncertainty and anxiety.

Remember the beginning of schools, the first step into a school full of unknown people. Not knowing anyone I know, not seeing any familiar faces around. And whilst scanning the faces of the people around me, I start comtemplating who should be the first person to talk to. Remember the beginning of OCS, the first step into a huge compound, knowing the inevitable fact that I'm going to be stuck there for the next three weeks, yet unable to escape that reality. Knowing that it's not going to be easy, yet half-heartedly wanting to try it. Wanting to give up at times, yet an unknown force pushing me on.

So how will someone feel on a day where he knows that it's going to be the last? Should he be worried and thinking about what he has not done before the day comes? Or should he be excited and looking forward to the new beginning?
This is probably the most significant birthday of my life and I can't believe the way I'm going to spend it. Meaningless.

I can see why many people say that the teenage years are the most eventful years in our lives. It's probably going to be the most glorious days in my life. I made some lifetime friends too. (though our fate seems to be ending in about 8 months time) I've done things that make myself, my family, my friends proud. Getting first in Japanese in sec3, second in sec4; being the top scorer for olevels; passing jlpt level1 in jc1; becoming the japanese club president; getting 4As for Alevels; then commissioning as a SAF officer this year.
But if you look at it, it's merely academic. Thing are never going to be the same again. Realized that life isn't just about grades. It's must more than that.

Done things that changed my life. Need i explain more?

So much that I've accomplished, yet I haven't fufilled my dream yet. Isn't reality just too cruel? I've climbed all the steps on the ladder, just missing the last one to reach the top. Yet I can't climb it till the time is up. It just makes my teens incomplete, like a jigsaw puzzle missing its last piece. And I can't do anything about it. Time's going to be up in a week's time.

And how am I going enjoy the last week of my teens? How, when I have 3 days of duties in this week?

Perhaps things will change for the better, as I welcome the new beginning. Perhaps I will be seeing those glorious days again. Perhaps I'll make more lifelong friends again. How I wish I could just fast-forward everything.

Never Always Volunteer Yourself

Please don't mention the "M" word or the "A" word. And I get the vibes whenever I feel a vibration in my pocket, signalling a phone call or sms. Anyway, I'm halfway through. I believe I won't be so unlucky, or like what they always say, suay.

Navy Open House. Not only did we manage to catch glimpses of cute girls, we had the chances to talk to them, and let them play with our guns. (Erm, SAR21, that is.) Well, it wasn't just about giving the public a service. We do get to see nice people around at times. It's really a pleasure when people treat you nicely, or when you see a happy family taking a photograph.

It's not really easy as you think, to just let them shoot. Kids can't carry the weapon by themselves, so it's just nice of us to support for them, while they try and figure out where is their left hand or right hand.
"Put your left hand here, boy."
"No no, left hand."
"No no, here here. Not there."
When they finally realized where the scope is, I could feel the strain in my forearm muscles. But what can I do? Just smile at them and say, "Okay, try again. You are supposed to see a cross inside the hole (scope)."

When they finally give up, beads of perspiration trickle down our foreheads, as we stand up from the kneeling position, and struggle a little to relieve the amount of acid accumulated in our thighs. And the worst part? Looking over the shoulder of the kid, to see a long queue of kids excitedly waiting for their turns.

Perhaps we should cap this at NC16.

Well well, as much as we complain about this, I do find a sense of satisfaction and enjoyment while doing this. Maybe it's just the innocence aura encompassing the kids. The silly smiles on their faces when they can't hit the target. Their faces turning white as they try and hold the rifle, tilting their entire body backwards.

And how can I forget the father who passed me a piece of tissue paper when his child was done with, well, holding the gun. (In fact I was the one holding it!)

Never always volunteer yourself. Well, not really true- it's about finding joy in what you do.

Missing You

Sometimes I do hope that I'd live without the closest and most precious things in my life now. Things like computers, internet etc. I'd probably just make do with handphones and televisions. These luxuries are casting a cloud over our minds, distracting us from what we really have to do. Maybe one day, one day when I get to change my life, I'll do it.

We're missing the little pleasures in life.

Anyway we went to mind cafe yesterday and spent four full hours there. It was probably one of the best outings we had, even though the cost ended up to be $10 per person. I guess it was worth the money. I intended not to spend too much yesterday, but unfortunately, mind cost $10, present cost $10, dinne cost $10 and we ended up at a pub watching football, and having beer which cost antoher $7. And it didn't end there. Chelsea and Man Utd players didn't want to score, so the match went into extra time before Drogba finally kicked in the decisive goal. But by that time, the last train had kicked off too. So we had to take a cab home, and not to forget the midnight surcharge.

Events like these only make me fall into a greater dilemma. Future or friends? Someone introvert like me, who finds it hard to make friends, is going to abandon the best friends he has here, to pursue his dreams. Is this what I really want?

明日晴れるかな

明日晴れるかな

唄：桑田佳祐
詩：桑田佳祐

熱い涙や恋の叫びも
輝ける日は何処へ消えたの？
明日もあてなき方向（みち）を 彷徨うならこれ以上元には戻れない。

耳を澄ませば心の声は僕に何を語りかけるだろう
今は汚れた街の片隅にいて
あの頃の空を想うたびに

神より給えし孤独やトラブル
泣きたい時は泣きなよ
これが運命（さだめ）でしょうか あきらめようか？
季節はめぐる魔法のように

Oh baby no maybe
「愛」失くして「情」もない？
嘆くようなフリ、世の中のせいにするだけ
Oh baby you are maybe
「哀」失くして「楽」はない？
幸せのfeeling.　抱きしめて one more time.

在りし日の己を愛するために
想い出は美しくあるのさ
遠い過去よりまだ見ぬ人生は
夢一つ叶えるためにある

奇跡のドアを開けるのは誰？
微笑をもう一度だけ
君は気付くでしょうか？
その鍵はもう 君の掌の上に

Why baby? Oh tell me
「愛」失くして「憎」もない
見て見ないようなフリ、その身を守るため？
Oh baby you are maybe
もう少しの勝負じゃない？ 挫けそうなfeeling　乗り越えて one more chance.

～間奏～
I talk to myself
～間奏～

Oh baby no maybe
「愛」失くして「情」もない？
嘆くようなフリ、残るのは後悔だけ
Oh baby smile baby.
その生命（いのち）は永遠（とわ）じゃない
誰もが一人一人胸の中でそっと囁いているよ

明日晴れるかな？

遥か空の下

Distractions

One thing I'm sure, computers and internet are the worst distractions. They not only stop you from doing what you need to do, but also depletes the enthusiasm or will to do your work.

End of teens

Living the last few weeks of my teens, i look back to see what i've done, and especially what i've not done, because after these few weeks, i will no longer be a teenager again. And i guess there are some things that should be done in the teens. Am i ready to face the start of my adulthood?

I realize I still remember vividly how I spent my birthday for the past few years. So maybe i should be thankful that my birthdays have been so special each year. This year's birthday will be the last in singapore for a long long time, and i hope my subsequent birthdays will be special too.
Last year: birthday was spent at the passing out from BMT. Something i thought was special, but it only marked the true beginning of NS. Surprisingly, no one remembered it.

Two years ago: one of the best. Spent in Tokyo, celebrated together with my host family a few days earlier. A surprise one makes it even more special.

Three years ago: Spent mugging in the library when two of my classmates, spenser and anthony suddenly msg-ed me happy birthday.

Four years ago: Spent in a classmates' house during one of the stayovers we often have. And indulged in PS2, mahjong. and ended up watching some funny video which was rather X-rated.

Five years ago:One of the best too. Spent in Sapporo together with the whole gang of friends in the immersion programme. Spent watching World Cup Match England vs Argentina which took place in Sapporo too. Something that made it so special.

My memory ended there. Can't recall what happened on my birthday when I was in Sec2. Oh well, i wonder what will happen on this year's birthday.

Winding road.

It's been a while. Nothing has changed though- Where I stand, where my dream stands. Everything, status quo. I wonder, what can I do now to shorten this distance? What can I do now to even create a change? I realized that there's nothing I can do except to wait for time to pass. It seems like time is the only distance between us.

Nine more months. If I had come a long way without any hope faltering, I'm sure I can go on in the same way. Perhaps I need more short-term goals, like I've mentioned before, so that I'll have more encouragement to push on. Accomplishing these short-term goals one by one, so that before I know it, I'm stepping into the last lap of this long journey. And the first short-term goal will be coming up in July. I guess that is the ignitor for the spark of motivation that I desperately need. Once it starts, it goes on. Non stop. Until this little spark bursts into flames and brightens up the long stretch of road ahead, as I start walking, no, running on this winding road of my future.

I have no problem running. It's just the wait from now till July that kills. Please, let July pass by quick.

I feel the prick in my heart when I see people around me are going Japan. Why, of all places, do people choose there, somewhere I've been waiting for so long, working so hard, planning so meticulously for? People around me just pay to go. Everything seems so effortless. Yet why is it that, for me, there is this wait, there is this barrier? Where has all the fairness in this world gone to?

I still remember clearly as the regular customer of bongout told my boss, "I'm going back to Japan next week." Then, Michiyo-san left. Rui left. Saori left. Celestine left. Minling left. Jonfang left. Iwakiri left. Shenyue and 2 others left. Enhui left. Sheauying YongJeng left. Even now in the army, the only other person in my office, MSG liaw is leaving too. How many has left? How many more to come?

One by one, one after another. Looking at them leave makes my heart bleed. When will it be my turn?

you don't have to know my name

you don't have to know my name.
i can't wait for the day when i can finally say that. Everyone's been saying this cuz they are going ord, so the new people do not need to know them.
iwanttoordtoo.