Singaporean jokes

Stupid Driver

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one “Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid… you don’t believe?
Let me show you.” and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said “Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes.” to which Ah Beng replied, “Yes Sir! right away!” and rushed off to the showroom.
The rich man turned to his friend and said, “See, I told you he was stupid.” The other rich man said, “That’s nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid.” and he called his driver, Ali. “Ali, go home now and check to see if I’m at home.” to which Ali said, “Yes Sir, right away Sir.” and ran home. “See what I told you? He doesn’t even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here.”
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, “Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes….. Doesn’t he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!”Ali replied, “You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home…. He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!”

Two Men & A Lady

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- They both had the lady TOGETHER.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.
Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.
Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

The Cabinet

Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and incorruptible cabinet.
On hearing Mahathirs woes, PM Goh said, “Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet.” Mahathir asked, “Yes, but how do you know that they are able?”
PM Goh replied, “Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence, don’t need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you.” Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him, “Hey Tony, come over here.” Tony obediently walked briskly over.
PM Goh asked, “Tell me, Tony, who is your fathers son ?” Tony Tan immediately replied, “Me! Of course.”
PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, “See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don’t you go back and try.” Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.
Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him, “Tell me, Anwar, who is your father’s son ?” Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said, “Boss, let me find out and I’ll tell you tomorrow.” Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning,he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer.
When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, “Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?” Clinton, very busy, replied, “Alright, but it better be good !” Anwar quickly asked, “Tell me, Bill, who is your father’s son ?” Clinton was fuming, “Of course it’s me, you stupid !” and he slammed the phone down.
Satisfied that he’s got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir’s office and said, “Boss, I’ve got the answer to your question.” Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn’t that dumb, said, “So tell me quick, who is your fathers son, Anwar ?”
Anwar confidently replied, “It’s BILL CLINTON !”
Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, “No you stupid, it’s TONY TAN !”


Technical Support

Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
DESPERATE

***

Reply:
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 and the worms might cause the program to automatically upgrade itself to Husband 2.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
TECHNICAL SUPPORT